We don’t mean “to break up with”. Let’s say you are at a party or a bar and your girlfriend is acting like a 120 pound necklace and you are being smothered. Here’s what you do:
In front of your girlfriend/date and any other woman, say any of these 10 things. They are all conversation smoke bombs. The women will get so excited to be talking about these that you will be able to easily sneak away and talk to anyone else.
1. Louboutins- are they worth it?
2. Some wine tastings serve bread, some serve cheese and crackers, some serve NOTHING. What’s YOUR preference?
3. Wax or Laser?
4. Kourtney Kardashian is moving to NYC and trying for another baby.
5. Forget Lypo, they can freeze fat now!
6. Prosecco or champagne?
7. How come man nipples taste like onion sometimes?
8. High waisted jeans, yay or nay?
9. Leggings as pants. Discuss.
10. Megan Fox, hot or not?
2 bonus topics:
11. Which actress/celeb would you go lez for?
12. If all you ate was Nutella, would you get fat?
I realized my dream of borrowing children and taking them around to score candy for me last night. T’was awesome. I almost understood why people have kids. Some good friends let me chaperone their toddlers so I threw on my go-to Dorothy costume and got the chance to run through streets packed with wild eyed children. After coaching the 2 year olds to “get Dorothy Kit Kats and Reece’s Cups” I got to enjoy Halloween like I hadn’t since childhood…then while happily gorging on chocolate treats and complimenting creative kids for their homemade Avatar and Obi Wan costumes I remembered that Halloween often sucked for me as a child. Sure, I had some killer years- my Cleopatra costume in 2nd grade would have made Bob Mackie envious- but on a whole it was a stressful and underwhelming process. My lofty costume dreams were often stifled by my overbearing parents.
Only other ‘only-children’ can relate to the challenges one faces growing up as the lone offspring. It’s a world of irrational fear and paranoia that trumps Fox News. A simple bike ride was limited to going up and down my street so I’d never be out of eyesight. ‘Thar be dragons’ past the corner for all I knew, that’s as far as my world existed. I could barely get going fast enough for my handlebar streamers to flutter before I had to turn around again. Peddling that little Rainbow Brite bike adorned with pictures of her laughing while riding through clouds and limitless possibility on her flying unicorn, Starlight, always seemed a cruel joke.
The year I wanted to be a plain old ghost stands out as possibly my worst Halloween experience. It was 1989, Love Song by The Cure was softly playing on my Playschool plastic radio and Beetlejuice had just been released. I liked that movie and wanted to be the traditional, white sheet with cut out eyes kind of ghost that Alec Baldwin and Gina Davis tried to be. It seemed simple enough. I got a big sheet, cut some eye holes and ran around the house preparing to scare the neighbors. My mother saw me almost trip on the sheet chasing the dog and decided it was too dangerous. She told me I needed to be able to see better so she took the sheet, cut it and when I put it back on I looked like this-
She’d cut a big hole for my entire face and was proud of herself that I could see without that pesky sheet in my way. It looked rediculous but it was 5minutes to Trick or Treat time and I was out of options. Tim Gunn would have given a look of pity before turning on his heel and shouting “Make it work!”
I then spent the entire night answering the question, “What are YOU?! A nun?!” to parents and children alike with an at first defiant but soon mumbled and timid, “I’m a ghost” retort before I acquiesced and began answering, “Sure” when asked. Needless to say, I hit the candy hard that night. The irony of being haunted by the Halloween when I just wanted to be a ghost is not lost on me. 20 years later and I’m still pissed. Poor kid me. I’m getting my mom the cheap name brand diapers when she goes incontinent.
I’m going to the Rally and I need to “bring it”. As usual, I’ve overwhelmed myself with costume options SO that’s where you come in. Please vote for the idea you like best OR suggest something. I’m sure there will be Christine O’Donnell witches galore, scary Texas Chainsaw Palins and Jabba Karl Roves but I’m looking for something outside the box. Fun fact: when I imagine Karl Rove speaking I actually hear Jabba’s language.
Colbert said to dress as what the right wing is scared of so I thought about going as a “Smart Mexican”. Sombrero and poncho a la Speedy Gonzalez but with glasses and a quantum physics book or the New York Times folded under my arm. When I googled Smart Mexican to see if anyone had thought of this previously I got this-
Yup, that’s Amy Smart picking up Mexican food. Even google in all it’s self-driving car glory doesn’t have an image of a smart Mexican. Also, let’s keep in mind that it’ll be 50 degrees during the rally and a poncho would be nice! Oh look, I searched “poncho” and see that a girl got her hands on one and slutted it up. That face is screaming drugged sex slave, am I right guys?!! :D High fives! Ahhh, Halloween. Moving on.
I get that people enjoy being slutty on Halloween, I can even embrace it which is why if I had my personal pick I’d do my original idea of slutty bomb tech. Just imagine the pic below but with pasties and a thong on the outside.
Woulda been awesome but I couldn’t find that suit for civilian purchase anywhere! Believe me I tried. SO I’m left with:
1. Smart Mexican wearing pants
2. Following my heart and being Lady Gaga, again which is kinda played this year so it would have to be amazing. Meh.
3. Paying homage to The Disillusionists by being Guy Fawkes in V for Vendetta
4. Picking something else. I’m open to suggestions!
What time is it? 9:45am. OK 2hrs til lunch and I’ll take a full hour lunch so then it’ll be 4hrs until I can go. I’m gonna try the veggie burger today, yay i’m excited! No new mail. Does that stapler havestaples? Yes. I wonder if tiny post-its have a complex. Someone’s coming, look busy! Good job. It’s Tuesday, what shows are on Tuesday’s? Hmmph, nothing I guess. Just Oprah. I feel like i missed the last SouthPark. What should I be for Halloween? What time is it now? 9:46 Fuck.
I hate it when sometimes no matter how many times I wipe, there’s still poop on the toilet paper. That’s when I say, “Sorry, underwear, but I don’t have time for this shit.”