Reese Witherspoon Saw A Fox Executive Murder Someone.

There’s NO other explanation for why a 35year old mother of two with corn niblet teeth and a Spongebob Squarepants body is starring as the object of affection for two blazing hot new action stars in their prime in the soon to be released (like a flat fart at a quiet dinner party) movie This Means War. None.

I’m still not over her playing opposite a 25year old Rob Pattinson in Water for Elephants where the only reason she should have been in that movie was to make a split second cameo about how her teeth look like elephant toes. 

When I heard about this movie and the casting a year ago I thought it was a joke and then when I saw the trailer this week I looked around the theater like a prairie dog to see if I was the only one in shock and outraged. Really? Really?? Two hot SPIES. Two hot spies who are best friends. Two hot spies who are best friends both willingly date and proceed to fight over REESE WITHERSPOON. Shut the fuck up. 

She looks like an albino Magwai (and we all know I wish I had a Magwai) on E.T.’s body. Does banging Ryan Philippe (an 8 out of 10 at best unless you’re really into dumb Arian type guys) get you a lifetime’s worth of street credit? It must. 

There is no way in HELL that this:

and this:

are going to fight over this:

Come the fuck on. The audacity! Am I asking too much for Presidential candidates to be smarter than me and leading ladies to be hotter?? I don’t need to pay $12 to watch this unless they rename it “The Very, Very, Very Last Woman on Earth”. 

Degrees in Redundancy now available!

Degrees in Redundancy now available!

"The Sticky Experts"???  All other slogans were taken apparently. Besides, there’s nothing stickier in the world than Leonardo DiCaprio’s fingers in "What’s Eating Gilbert Grape?"

"The Sticky Experts"??? All other slogans were taken apparently. Besides, there’s nothing stickier in the world than Leonardo DiCaprio’s fingers in "What’s Eating Gilbert Grape?"

WTF?!! “Dead”? Never seen that before. Attack of the parking meters!

WTF?!! “Dead”? Never seen that before. Attack of the parking meters!

Shelves over the toilet is the worst idea ever

Shelves over the toilet is the worst idea ever. Inevitably you will bump, knock or drop something into your toilet. And I can tell you first hand how much it sucks to fish out your $10 Mach 3 shaver in a lake of vitamin-yellow piss.This reminds me of a story. It will be dirty, so leave if you gotta. So, one day, a few yrs ago, I went to the bathroom. Tinkle. (I’m 36.) And I did my stuff, even wiped my penis. Wait, must explain that one. So, this girl I knew was always bitching that guys drip. You know, couple drops in the undies or whatever. And it’s true, it can’t be stopped. So she was on a mission to get all guys to wipe their dicks after peeing. I was like, “That sounds sooooooo retarded!” But I do it, because a good idea is a good idea. I’m a dick wiper. It’s actually more of a sqeeze and blot method, actually.K, back to my tinkle and wipe. I flush the toilet. Somehow, I bump the shelf over the toilet and my Bed Head container drops into the toilet as it’s flushing. Shit! Yet it goes down. Huh. My roommate at the time whose initials are AJ goes in after me and drops a bomb. Huge poop. She is a self-admitted girl who poops tree-trunks. So, now the toilet is clogged for good. More cuz of me than cuz of her. You know what, I never told her about the Bed Head. I always let her think it was her massive deuce that broke the toilet. Sorry, AJ. Was too funny to resist.K, now we tell the landlord and he takes 7 DAYS to send out the repair man!!! Now, AJ, Erik and I are having to walk across the street to Rite-Aid or pee in the sink when nature calls. For a week. One thing you may not know about me, I poop once every two weeks. I am a walking trash compacter. I burn every thing I eat. It runs in the family. I will have colon cancer by 50. So anyway, about 6 days go by and I am fine. No worries. But then, I have to poop. And immediately. The Mission:Impossible music starts, there’s no way I can get to Rite-Aid in time. I-am-having-this-baby. I run to the kitchen and grab a plastic grocery bag. I run to the bathroom, after all, that’s where you’re supposed to go. I place the bag on the floor and squat over it. I poop in the bag no problem. But I was soooo panicked about the poop that I forgot one of the most important things. Whether you realize it or not, you PEE when you poop. I realized this when I saw that I was just hosing down the bathroom wall while squatting in a catcher’s stance. It was like a garden hose left on. Just flopping and spraying in the yard. So, again, shelving placed over the toilet is a very dumb idea.  Dane.

(Reposted because this was discussed in our newest iTunes podcast.)

Shelves over the toilet is the worst idea ever. Inevitably you will bump, knock or drop something into your toilet. And I can tell you first hand how much it sucks to fish out your $10 Mach 3 shaver in a lake of vitamin-yellow piss.

This reminds me of a story. It will be dirty, so leave if you gotta. So, one day, a few yrs ago, I went to the bathroom. Tinkle. (I’m 36.) And I did my stuff, even wiped my penis. 

Wait, must explain that one. So, this girl I knew was always bitching that guys drip. You know, couple drops in the undies or whatever. And it’s true, it can’t be stopped. So she was on a mission to get all guys to wipe their dicks after peeing. I was like, “That sounds sooooooo retarded!” But I do it, because a good idea is a good idea. I’m a dick wiper. It’s actually more of a sqeeze and blot method, actually.

K, back to my tinkle and wipe. I flush the toilet. Somehow, I bump the shelf over the toilet and my Bed Head container drops into the toilet as it’s flushing. Shit! Yet it goes down. Huh. 

My roommate at the time whose initials are AJ goes in after me and drops a bomb. Huge poop. She is a self-admitted girl who poops tree-trunks. So, now the toilet is clogged for good. More cuz of me than cuz of her. You know what, I never told her about the Bed Head. I always let her think it was her massive deuce that broke the toilet. Sorry, AJ. Was too funny to resist.

K, now we tell the landlord and he takes 7 DAYS to send out the repair man!!! Now, AJ, Erik and I are having to walk across the street to Rite-Aid or pee in the sink when nature calls. For a week. One thing you may not know about me, I poop once every two weeks. I am a walking trash compacter. I burn every thing I eat. It runs in the family. I will have colon cancer by 50. So anyway, about 6 days go by and I am fine. No worries. But then, I have to poop. And immediately. The Mission:Impossible music starts, there’s no way I can get to Rite-Aid in time. I-am-having-this-baby. I run to the kitchen and grab a plastic grocery bag. I run to the bathroom, after all, that’s where you’re supposed to go. I place the bag on the floor and squat over it. I poop in the bag no problem. But I was soooo panicked about the poop that I forgot one of the most important things. Whether you realize it or not, you PEE when you poop. I realized this when I saw that I was just hosing down the bathroom wall while squatting in a catcher’s stance. It was like a garden hose left on. Just flopping and spraying in the yard. 

So, again, shelving placed over the toilet is a very dumb idea. 

Dane.

We’re on iTunes! 
http://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/disillusionists/id455457717
Here’s proof that all of the good looking people always move to big cities. These are the fashion models in Oregon.
(The Asian girl was hired for the day and flown in from San Francisco.)

Here’s proof that all of the good looking people always move to big cities. These are the fashion models in Oregon.

(The Asian girl was hired for the day and flown in from San Francisco.)

Dear Pittsburgh Pirates groundskeeper, we get it, you LOVE vagina. Next time, just cut the grass normal please.

Dear Pittsburgh Pirates groundskeeper, we get it, you LOVE vagina. Next time, just cut the grass normal please.

Damn Karmin, you make me wonder what I’m doing with my life…

Whenever I see people with an amazing skill that I know took hours of practice - you know like plate spinning, unicycles, walking on stilts or playing songs on wine glasses- I immediately wonder what I’m doing with my life that’s half as impressive. Karmin trumps them all. When I first heard “Look at me now”, I said, “GODDAMN, only Busta can rap that fast! He’s the shit.” - I was wrong, she’s the shit cuz she makes it look good too. 

Blake Lively wants you to think these nude pics are fake- so fake enjoy them!

According to Blake, these are fake…umm, you’re blonde, not me! Try that shit on Leo. I know the difference between real and fake, for example-

REAL:

Slow clap for multitasking, “Ooo, I wanna take naked pictures of myself fresh out of the shower in my shitty movie set trailer but my phone is only at 15%! I’ll just charge it while I get into my kickass squatting pose, that pose kills.”  Own it, Blake! 

FAKE:

REAL:

An angled shot, how artsy! 

FAKE:

REAL:

Subtle, I dig it. 

FAKE:

I know it seems crazy that naked photos you took of yourself on your cell phone could ever get out but seriously Blake, you should just admit it.  I’d love if one starlet would just have the balls to admit it. Until then, I’ll keep reposting them. xo Sarah

Does John Ireland, @LAIreland, have Parkinson’s or is he just drunk?

I love how he’s holding himself up on one elbow.

The slow blinks are priceless.

And he’s swaying back and forth like Michael J Fox in a helicopter.

NBA’s New Skin-tight Jerseys

Eww. The NBA will allow players to wear these wetsuits in this year’s All-Star game. It’s all well and good for some pro athletes to wear these, just say no Shaq, but this inevitably means that these will be for sale.

I’m not looking forward to seeing 18,000 fans in the crowd looking like this:

I am never going to an NBA game ever again.

Noooooooooooooooooo! 
Roger Ebert is going to do movie reviews on TV again!
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20110119/ap_en_tv/us_ebert_review_show_2
He is 68 years old and has no bottom jaw due to Thyroid Cancer. I am in no way making fun what he’s been through. I had Thyroid Cancer myself and it blows. His was way worse. But c’mon, Roger, your online writing career is thriving, you’re old enough to be retired and you have NO JAW and a laptop talks for you! You do not need this. 
Just like the Brett Favre saga or Dick Clark on his New Year’s Eve special, it’s very sad to see someone try and hold on to what they used to be when they should just retire gracefully. 
Now, instead of READING Roger Ebert’s reviews on movies I’ll be desperately trying not to think of Bruce Willis throwing an olive into his open mouth.

Noooooooooooooooooo! 

Roger Ebert is going to do movie reviews on TV again!

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20110119/ap_en_tv/us_ebert_review_show_2

He is 68 years old and has no bottom jaw due to Thyroid Cancer. I am in no way making fun what he’s been through. I had Thyroid Cancer myself and it blows. His was way worse. But c’mon, Roger, your online writing career is thriving, you’re old enough to be retired and you have NO JAW and a laptop talks for you! You do not need this. 

Just like the Brett Favre saga or Dick Clark on his New Year’s Eve special, it’s very sad to see someone try and hold on to what they used to be when they should just retire gracefully. 

Now, instead of READING Roger Ebert’s reviews on movies I’ll be desperately trying not to think of Bruce Willis throwing an olive into his open mouth.

Surrogacy, the new status symbol, why Camille Grammar is a genius…

Unless you’ve been living under a rock or have no TV, you’ve heard that Camille and Kelsey Grammar are going through a messy divorce.  An affair with a woman half her age, accusations that he likes cross-dressing and the dirty little secret that on top of having 4 nannies for 2 kids, Camille opted to have them born via surrogate. She swears it’s due to her battle with irritable bowel syndrome. In an unrelated story, I now have IBS.

That last secret has people hating on her in a major way. How DARE she?? A surrogate when she was perfectly able to carry them herself??  I too, was shocked to hear that she’d paid a woman to carry her children…shocked she actually did what I wish was socially acceptable. 

I know I’d love a baby even more if it didn’t have to rip my insides out to get here. As a woman, I don’t get why it’s considered “normal” to pay other women to wash dishes and clean bathrooms because we’re too busy or too important to do that kind of work yet wrecking bodies and lactating all over ourselves is non-negotiable.  It seems like surrogacy should be the new status symbol. Work hard and one day maybe you’ll be able to pay another woman to have your baby- sounds good to me. I say, if you can write the check, write it! Slowclap for Camille.  xo Sarah

Exactly where Seth Rogen belongs - doing commercials for fast food.

What a fucking sell-out.

Seth said he got in shape for this movie. This is not “in shape”, this is just less fat.

A couple more of his movies bomb and he’ll be doing commercials full time.